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We are strangers in a strange land. Back in Owego, I hired a brave young lady from Texas who had never lived outside of that great state. After a short time of living in the great white north, she started a “You Know You’re in New York When…” list that just made us all crack up and realize the cultural differences. Here are my initial entries for “You Know You’re in England When…” I’ll keep adding more as time goes on. Please, DON’T take this list as a slam on our great host nation… There are many good reasons for things being the way they are (well, at least MOST things). This is only meant as a tongue-in-cheek look at some of the experiences we’re having that made us do a double take from our perspective... |
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1. 2. You need to look RIGHT when stepping onto 3. The secretary giggles when you say " I have itchy pants" - pants means girl’s underwear. 4. You need to set your watch back 500 years when stepping off the airplane. 5. The only thing on broadcast TV is either PBS-like BBC news magazines or Dirty Harry movies. 6. You need to learn how to type again since <shift>3 is £, <shift>2 is ", and # has its own key. 7. At 10 O'Clock on nationally broadcast TV there's a program called "Euro Trash" with lots of naked people. 8. All stores are closed at 5:00 except ASDA (Walmart) 9. Visiting parents are invited to a social reception for tea and cucumber sandwiches after their son's Saturday afternoon soccer game - home and away. 10. Doctors make house calls. 11. Your house is carpeted wall to wall in every room, especially bathrooms and dining room. 12. The only sports covered on the news are soccer, on occasion cricket, and rarely rugby. 13. Field Hockey is a men’s sport. 14. Your Mercedes Benz gets 35 mpg. 15. A gallon of gas costs more than 3 happy meals at McDonalds. 16. The word "scheme" is used almost always in a positive sense. Very disturbing when reading about the "mortgage schemes" while waiting on line at the bank. 17. "Lemonade" = Sprite/7Up. Real lemonade doesn't seem to exist. 18. All radio stations play either Rap/Dance or 80's new wave, sprinkled with a U2 song now and again. If I hear Natasha Beddingfield's "These Words" one more time, I'll stick a screwdriver through my car radio. 19. The income tax rate is 40%. 20. You need a license to have a TV in your house. Funds go to the BBC so they can pay for Euro Trash (see item 7 above). 21. Beer is friggin awesome. 22. You signal with your right blinker while turning left to enter a roundabout when going most of the way around. 23. At least once a week, you get in the car to go to work, buckle up, pull the keys out, then realize that the steering wheel is on the other side of the car. 24. You can actually stand on an 800 year old foot bridge and walk to the top of the keep of a 1000 year old castle. 25. You can pay your phone bill, water bill, taxes, and register your car at the post office. 26. Garbage collection is once every 2 weeks and you’re the only one on the block with any bags (typically 5) that won’t fit in the provided garbage bin. (This entry should really be part of a separate list I may start, called “You Know You’re an American When…” 27. All eggs are brown. 28. The children cry on Good Friday while coloring Easter Eggs, because they all come out crap brown. (See item 27) 29. While spending over 10 hours on a 1 hour ferry crossing, the only ones who complain are the 3 catatonic Americans banging the windows with fire extinguishers yelling “Get me the !@#$ off this boat!!!”. OK, only the first half is true, up to the word “banging”. But we REALLY thought about it. 30. All fun things are ruined by Health and Safety, who, for some reason, completely overlook the near vertical stone spiral staircases (only able to accommodate half of one human foot) in all Castles and Forts which ensure a quick death with the slightest mis-step, or the fact that 80% of all two-way country roads in England are wide enough for almost one vehicle. 31. There’s a picture of the Queen on your money. 32. There’s a picture of the Queen on your stamps. 33. Placing a postage stamp (with picture of the Queen) upside down on an envelope is considered treason—one of the only offenses remaining punishable by hanging. 34. The football (soccer) games are treated the way Americans treat the Super Bowl - except it’s every weekend. 35. When you speak, they can understand you even if you can’t understand them. So saying “British people are very impersonal and very rude” after blocking the aisle to take vacation photos on a crowded commuter train, is generally translated by all British passengers with little difficulty. Mom, write this down and memorize for your next visit. 36. People say “Are you alright?” as the normal initial greeting instead of “How are you?”. The first several dozen times, I ran into the bathroom to look for bloodshot eyes, facial lacerations, ear hemorrhage, or a booger. 37. “Have a nice day!” Is strictly an American term, and looked upon with disdain, since most Brits are expecting to have a miserable day and you’re potentially ruining it for them with your bloody American positive attitude. 38. Every town has Fish and Chips, Indian and Kebab take-out shops. To you Americans, that’s India Indian, not American Indian. 39. You can’t find a seafood restaurant, even though you’re 75 miles away from the ocean at any location in the country. No, Fish and Chips shops don’t count. 40. Many men really do wear kilts, even in public places like airports. Very ugly, very hairy men. Very frightening. 41. Haggis is served at breakfast. Haggis is sheep stomach stuffed with sheep heart, liver, suet (which is the fat from the liver and stomach), onions, toasted oats, and stock, then boiled in a pot for 3 hours. I wouldn’t call it good, but I’d have it again. 42. “Aye” is really used as “Yes”. It’s not just in the movies. 43. You need to specify WHICH of the 800 available scotch whiskey’s you want. Taste in whiskey is seen as so personal, that a bartender will rarely recommend anything without asking you at least 5 questions first. Macarran’s 10 year or Glengoyne 17 year are quite good. Makes Chivas taste like JD. |
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You know you’re in England When: |
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You Know You’re in England When... |
Balunas Family |
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